I abstained from sexual relations for about 8 months this year, and before you ask no, it wasn’t for religious reasons or because of a bad breakup. I put more focus on my career and building my life and distanced myself from the causal hook-up culture I had grown so accustomed to. Over the last few years, I’ve had various partners that were around and valued the time we shared. As time has gone on I have gotten to a point in my emotional health where compartmentalizing my feelings is no longer a suitable coping tool. I now require emotional fulfillment instead of emotional escape.
During this unintentional journey I learned more about myself than I had in a while, and honestly let myself be free of expectations. I actively did not see people that don’t recharge my emotional battery and I actively did not let people have access to my body that would never allow me to access their life. Clouded by climax and distracted by hormones, I wasn’t happy even though my sexual appetite was being fulfilled. Now I find myself vibrating on a level I have not experienced previously. I find myself laughing at the old journals I used to keep about my thoughts and opinions, as if I was never that person or where I evolved from.
There was a time I thought celibacy was for the weak, unable to control their urges or smart enough to be decisive about who to sleep with. I think my subtle shift in perspective came from my deeper understanding about emotional and physical connections and just plain ole’ maturity; I grew up! Not that I had this original thought or came to some great discovery, but having it click that love would fall into place when you are ready and to focus on my career building, future, and emotional/mental health was all still brand new for me. I’ve heard the words before, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the expectations and live unapologetically.
Now I say all this to say that I found somebody that I could spend the rest of my life with, and I never would have gotten to this point in my life if I hadn’t had the year that i’ve had. I wasn’t distracted by other suitors or lovers and invested energy into getting to know him and seeing how we would work together. Falling in love with him and not his potential so as to manage expectations of what we could be and look at what we are currently capable of accomplishing. A man that adores me and wants me for me not what I can do for him. Being open to receiving this love was not easy and I honestly felt like the universe was testing me when I fully committed to him, but still landing on my feet I didn’t let that shake me.